Speeding Ticket.

A driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see, can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer #2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man
steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer #2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer #2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please.

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Officer #2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer #2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the
officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He
looks quite puzzled.

Officer #2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

The Height Of Cost Cutting...

Smart Alec Answers

Here are some smart alec answers...
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

AND NOW........FOR THE..........

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER SO FAR FOR THE YEAR 2005 ..............
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says :

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Honeymoon

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to mom and dads for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks
his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred
and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,
"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary
up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?
"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

The Rooster Problem

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Dinner Date

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"